I have a story for you, it’s a fun story, it’s a story of a guy called James Barret but for the purposes of this blog we shall call him ‘The Fucktard’ (which, as the story unfolds will become obvious why) ….anyway, read on, then point and laugh!
So, today I got a post on BombedoutLA.com from ‘The Fucktard’ which read:
i wish ” bombed out LA ‘ would stop the tweets i blocked you this has to stop before i report this to twitter thank you jb
Now this made me scratch my head for 2 reasons: 1. Who the fuck punctuated (or rather didn’t punctuate) this sentence? 2. Err… why should I stop tweeting? I don’t spam people, how is this guy reading my tweets if I’m blocked? …So, being the nice guy that I am I decided to send ‘The Fuckard’ a nice email to ensure that nothing was amiss or that someone wasn’t using the name of BombedoutLA for spamming purposes for some reason unbeknown to me… my email read:
Hi, What do you mean ‘stop the tweets’ …I am just tweeting, I don’t spam! If you blocked me how are you getting my tweets? I don’t get it… they only go to my followers… why would you be getting them? You can’t report someone for tweeting… that’s the point of twitter. Please explain if I am mis-reading your comment, I am not a spammer. Andy
Now forgive me if I’m wrong, this wasn’t a snotty reply… this was just a very confused me just trying to find out what was going on & what he meant by ‘stop tweeting’ and ‘before i report this’ …besides …report me for what? Punctuation? …Correct use of the English language? Also, what’s gonna be in his report? ‘Dear Twitter, some guy is tweeting… please shut down his account, I blocked him, I can still read them…ahhh… send the FBI!’ I mean, I could have been snotty with him, he gave me the ammunition but i though as he’s obviously a confused individual (or a bit ‘special’) I would get straight to the point and just ask what the fuck did he mean? …Imagine my shock (and continued amazement at ‘The Fucktard’ grammar roadshow) when he replied:
hello. how are you? first of all,i keep getting these tweets from you through your girlfriend,Kylie Ireland. you are a spammer. and a jerk. i’ve never heard one good thing about you from one good person. when i say i do not want anymore tweets i mean exactly that and do not want any emails either. you stop all this right now. i don’t like guys like you-you are just so egotistic. find something better to do with your time.
again,i do not want to hear anymore from you,not on twitters,or email or anything else. you got that? i don’t know why kylie would want to have a boyfriend with anyone like you anyways jb
Woooaahh their cowboy! What… the …FUCK!! Where do I hell do I start with this one?? (NOW do you see where ‘The Fuckard’ tag came from?) OK… so let’s coolly and calmly, analyze this reply:
- Hello, how are you? (me: not so bad, thanks… things are great, now what did you mean?)
- I get the tweets from your girlfriend Kylie Ireland (me: huh, girlfriend? what? we are married Buttmunch… hang on, you follow Kylie & don’t know she’s married… to me… how do you NOT know? Are you fucking mental? Do you only read selective tweets? Are you French? Why are you mad that she retweets me? …It’s a social network …people talk about their families on twitter …it’s a social thing to do, besides it’s OUR website and people also talk about their hobbies on there …because THAT’S social! … Do you understand that? Do you not have any friends you Fucktard? Do your Mum & Dad not let you out? Or are your carers keeping you in cage?)
- You are a spammer (me: How’s a retweet spam? …Huh? …Fucktard! Explain yourself …When people retweet it’s because they like stuff or agree with stuff… sometimes they do it because it’s about them… EG: a fucking website they might have… EG: bombedoutla bitch …WHICH IS FREE BY THE WAY …it has NO ADS! …it doesn’t sell anything! …it doesn’t make money! …do you get it? …are you paying attention? Are you sat in your own poo masturbating to the Sears catalogue?)
- And a Jerk (me: What… did he just call me a jerk? Where the fuck did that come from? Why am I a Jerk? cause I’m married to Kylie Ireland? Because you wanna be married to Kylie Ireland? Is this just jealously Fuckard? …c’mon, you can tell me …I’m not a hater …I understand, you’re lonely & girls don’t like you but don’t be mean …it’s ok, they do blowup versions now, save up or get one of your carers to lend you some money!)
- I’ve not heard one good thing about you from one good person (me: You know people? You have friends? …and I don’t count the voices in your head you fucking loon! …Hang on, does that mean you’ve heard good things about me from bad people? Do you mean ‘bad’ as in ‘Run DMC bad’ …which means Good? …so, was this your attempt at being gangsta? Seriously though, what fucking people do you know that know me? …errr, that would be fucking no-one YOU BIG FREAK! You just sit around talking to your action figures about me, don’t you? …it’s your my little pony that dislikes me isn’t it? …I am thinking this part is complete bollocks personally, I’m sure you don’t talk to anyone, you’re too busy following pornstars on twitter then getting upset (like a little girl) that they don’t know you exist & just taking your anger out on their partners, well I suppose that’s better than you opening fire on crowd of people just because you are mad at the world for dealing you such a shit hand!)
- I do not want any email either (me: I’m not surprized… that would mean you have to reply and that’s not working out well for you is it? ever heard of inflections, paragraphs… how about a capital letter every now and then, try it… you’ll be surprised how your fucktard’o’meter will lower!)
- I don’t like guys like you (me: what, straight? …do you like boys but your cage isn’t big enough for two? Does God frown on man love? or is it educated men you don’t like? …you know ones who can talk to women, entertain them, get to know their personality and be able to converse with them? …Or do you only like Fucktards?)
- You are just so egotistic (me: compared to you, fucktard i think i am allowed a little arrogance, (ps and it’s egotistical) besides most of my tweets are based on humour, they are cheeky comments about life with Kylie & how lucky I am, just because you have no sense of humour or because you can’t hold up a conversation with 3D people doesn’t make me egotistical …jealousy is an ugly emotion you fucktard …either get better treatment for your issues or start paying for some, you’ll feel better, trust me!)
- I don’t know why Kylie would want a boyfriend like you anyways (me: ANYWAYS!!! …who the fuck says anyways? Do you live in a trailer? Does your diet consist mainly of mayonnaise sandwiches? Are you married to your sister? I’ll tell you why Kylie wants a husband like me… cause I’m a not a Fucktard… that’s why …you fucktard!)
Well, I think this just about covers it!!! So after taking in this barrage of stupidity, this was my reply:
Then after reading the whole saga to Kylie SHE decided to email ‘The Fucktard’ …which read:
Dear James,
I don’t know what your problem is with my husband, Andy Appleton. He is NOT spamming ANYONE. Spamming is following people and tweeting them with links in attempt to get them to go to their website so that they can sell you something.
- You are not following the Twitter feeds for him or OUR blog on graffiti art to either of our knowledge. If you are I suggest you UNFOLLOW immediately. That would take care of the problem of you receiving unwanted tweets.
- Since you are not following either of those accounts then you must be, as you stated, seeing my retweets of his blog posts. That is my prerogative to retweet anything I wish through my twitter account. It is not spam and would not be considered spam by Twitter either. If you don’t like the fact that I retweet my own husband’s tweets or retweet the blog that I run with my husband featuring MY photography and something I am passionate about then the answer is easy there as well: STOP FOLLOWING ME. Neither one of us are going to stop tweeting or retweeting because YOU are annoyed by something I retweet. I would block you and solve the problem right now if I knew what your Twitter account was.
- Please stop emailing my husband with insults and threats. Neither he nor I take kindly to it and neither would Twitter since they have strict harassment policies.
- Should you decide to start emailing ME with insults and threats, have no doubt that I will take action for harassment via Twitter. And further, if need be.
- The answer to your problems is quite simple, James, go on Twitter and click the little button that says UNFOLLOW. End of story.
Thank you. Kylie Ireland
And there you have it… Andy 1 – Fucktard 0
So, better luck next time Fucktard, Bombed out LA continues to tweet, Kylie continues to retweet, James is now blocked but best of all he was right royally cursed out LIVE on the Jerkbox… the poor, poor, sad, little man. Oh well, hopefully he read this and see what a fucktard he is and tries to make a change but I doubt it… once a fucktard, always a fucktard!
Andy
The Andy Appleton 
James, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I will just come out and say it. You have a terminal case of the stupid. There is no known cure, and most cases are fatal. Cheer up, though. Thousands of people in the world suffer from the stupid and lead productive lives in government, network television and airline luggage service.
And, for the record, if I was married to and/or fucking Kylie, not only would I be egotistical about it, I would put it right on my resume. In between “Office Superstore Employee of the Month” and “Production Manager at Kinko’s”, I would have “Fucking Kylie Ireland”.
Finally… mayonnaise sandwiches, Andy? Blechhh..
Have a nice day.
You forgot, after “Fucking Kylie Ireland”, you need “and is willing to come to company picnics.” …You’re hired!
And Mr. Barret might also be qualified for TSA duty.
From: James Barrett
Sent: Monday, February 28, 2011 1:52 PM
To: kylie@kylieireland.com
Subject: etc
hello. how are you? listen. regarding the threats and harassment why would i send you something that could be used in court? second of all, your husband , andy appleton is the one with the problem not me. more importantly the emails i send to your husband don’t threaten anyone. more importantly i am not going to give you my twitter account. there is no way you are getting that. it is true that i did say some things to your husband but i never once threatened him.
twitter and yahoo are two different entities.it is even more ridiculous when your own husband has to live off your celebrity status and your finances. i would like to suggest from now on, to protect your tweets. any new followers would have to submit a request before they follow you. that’s what i do. course that is only a suggestion. end of story.
jb
—–
He really likes the phrase “more importantly”… here is my reply:
James,
We are both trying to point out the simple fact that you are mistaken. That you don’t understand the way Twitter works and that no amount of your complaining to Andy in emails is going to stop you from seeing MY RETWEETS of his tweets.
I didn’t ask for your TWITTER ACCOUNT information. I wanted to know what your Twitter NAME was (as in “@kylieireland”….you are @_____) therefore I could block you and then you would not receive any of the retweets or tweets of ANY kind from ANY of our accounts. This IS what you want right? To NOT receive any tweets or retweets informing you of anything to do with Andy or BombedoutLA… I am trying to help you. I am trying to solve your problem.
You wrote: “regarding the threats and harassment why would i send you something that could be used in court?” – who said anything about court? I stated that your emails to Andy and your insults are considered HARASSMENT and that we will report this to Twitter if need be. If you persist in harassing us I am well within my rights to report your emails and harassment to proper authorities.
You wrote: “ twitter and yahoo are two different entities” -I don’t even know why this is relevant. Unless you are saying that because you are emailing him on Yahoo that protects you in some way. Your ISSUE is with tweets, your emails are about tweets. Where you are emailing from has nothing to do with anything.
I don’t know WHAT your issue is with my husband. He has never done, said, sent or twittered ANYTHING to you.
As far as my life with my husband, THAT is none of your business and I don’t appreciate your insulting him to me. You know NOTHING of our life and your assumptions of what you believe our life to be is irrelevant. Furthermore, what our relationship is or is not has NOTHING to do with ANY of the tweets/retweets you seem to find so offensive. Our relationship has nothing to do with your complaint.
Why should I protect my tweets??? ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO AND CLICK THE UNFOLLOW BUTTON AND YOUR PROBLEM IS SOLVED. Why is this so hard for you to understand? Both of us have told you this. If you don’t want to receive tweets from either of us then go to my page when you are signed in and click UNFOLLOW. This is not rocket science. YOU have to do this. YOU started FOLLOWING ME. I don’t follow you. So please stop wasting our time with your idiotic emails, rants and insults when all you have to do is CLICK UNFOLLOW. You clearly do not understand the way Twitter works.
I can only assume since you refuse to tell me your Twitter name that you are the same ‘James’ that calls in to my radio show. For whatever reason, you seem to enjoy ‘trying’ to get me riled up. If that’s what makes your pathetic little cock hard, then knock yourself out.
Whether you are the same ‘James’ or not is not important. The bottom line is we have tried to help you solve your problem. I have told you the procedure to make the tweets stop but you are either too stupid to do this, too moronic to understand, completely psychotic, or all three.
You can email your bullshit as much as you want. We are not at fault here are doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong. Neither one of us will be returning any emails from here on out. In fact we have both blocked your email address so any further emails will go directly into junk mail and be deleted. We won’t even see them.
Leave us alone. Go away. Kindly fuck off.
Kylie Ireland
Wow…he certainly is a precious individual…
Please commence breeding, the quota of ridiculous fools in the world needs to be kept and you seem to be just the man, er boy..(perhaps amoeba?), for the job James.
P.S- The English language and all its grammatical complexities (ie punctuation and such) is a fascinating thing, i suggest perhaps having a better grasp of it before engaging in an attack, or for starters a conversation, ever again.