AndyFest®

It’s nearly that time of year again… it’s nearly time for Andyfest® but before I go into anymore detail about this years event, here are some FAQ’s that might clear up any confusion:

  • What is Andyfest®: Well it’s simple, AndyFest® is a week long event celebrating the birth of the greatest man in the history of Mankind & his marriage to the greatest woman… in the history of Mankind.
  • When is AndyFest®: It runs from April 10th (12am) to April 17th (11.59pm)
  • Who can take part in Andyfest®: Everybody* on Earth. *(except dull cunts & fucktards)
  • When was AndyFest® Introduced: The First Andyfest® was in 2010, the idea came from Porn Legend Kylie Ireland who thought it would be apt that any birthday & wedding celebrations would consist of unadulterated debauchery. However, due to the size of the list that she compiled the amount of time needed sky rocketed from 24 hours to an entire week!
  • Who Invented the term AndyFest®: Porn Actress Amber Rayne first coined the phrase during a conversation with Kylie Ireland about the inogural Andyfest®, the name just stuck.
  • What happens during AndyFest®: Anything you want, AndyFest® is a world wide celebration of all thing fun, so let your minds & bodies run wild… and remember anything goes during AndyFest®* *(certain restrictions may apply, see rules for details)
  • Is there anything else I need to know about AndyFest®: Yes… and No! Whilst AndyFest® is open to one and all and there aren’t any rules of conduct during AndyFest®, please ensure you read the rules of conduct during AndyFest®!

So there you have it, the complete history of Andyfest®, so without further ado AND to maximize your enjoyment of Andyfest®, here are the rules of conduct for AndyFest 2011® ….enjoy your week!

  1. Jack Daniels is the main weapon of choice, you local Liquor store/nightclub or bar gives it away for free during AndyFest®
  2. FREE SEX FOR ALL!! That’s right, you can’t say no… so ensure you carry a supply of paper bags incase you need em for…err, let’s say ‘unfortunate’ looking people.
  3. If you get arrested during Andyfest® simply tell the police that you are celebrating AndyFest® ….not only will you get off scott free but the police are obliged to give you a lift home and a written letter of apology.
  4. Fat people are NOT allowed to wear Lycra during AndyFest®. If you see someone breaking the rules you can mock at will, the offending ‘tubby’ must also give you $10 (or property to the value of!) *A quick note on Tank Tops, even though they are not technically banned during AndyFest®, mockery is acceptable. So my advice is ‘If you are built like a tank… don’t wear the top” …nobody like to see ‘Bingo Wings’
  5. You have to be nice* …being nice should be a staple diet of your daily routine anyway but during Andyfest® you must simply ignore Fucktards, after all they are missing out on this GREAT holiday. *(doesn’t apply to rule 4)
  6. You don’t have to go to work! Yet, another perk of AndyFest® …if your boss argues with you or tells you there is no such holiday of AndyFest® simply use Chloroform (or similar) on them and keep them in your trunk of your car. Ensure you let them out before 11.59pm on the 17th to qualify for rule 3.
  7. If you are French you have to wear a yellow T-shirts & write ‘Surrender Monkey’ on it or ‘Horse Meat & Garlic please, le nom nom’
  8. Your Local Aston Martin/Ferrari & Porsche Dealer will lend you any car of your choice for the entire duration on AndyFest®
  9. Petrol (or Gas as the Americans say) is free! But ensure you explain that you are celebrating AndyFest® before driving off… unless of course the employees at the gas station are celebrating AndyFest® …if that’s the case then they won’t be there anyway and should have just left the pumps on free flow.
  10. Be safe! AndyFest® can be a hazarous time, you don’t wanna go crashing your Aston Martin or catching any diseases, so ensure you get your multi purpose AndyFest® seatbelt condom…. available from all good retailers!

AND THAT’S it… please remember to tweet in your AndyFest® pics to www.twitter.com/theandyappleton. The best one will get a retweet probably, I dunno …or something, it normally takes a year to recover from AndyFest® so I might forget, eitherway have a GREAT time, enjoy yourself and spread the word of AndyFest®

Andy

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