For those of you who have been living under a rock (or in France) for the past 3 years, here’s the yearly recap of Andyfest ©
■What is Andyfest © ?
AndyFest © is a weeklong celebration commemorating the birth of the greatest human being in the history of Universe AND his union with the greatest woman… in the history of Universe.
■When is AndyFest©?
It runs from April 10th (12am) to April 17th (11.59pm)
■Who takes part in Andyfest © ?
Everybody* on Earth. *(except dull cunts, eggvatars, fucktards & Vegans)
■When did AndyFest © first start?
Archeologists say Andyfest© dates back to the Jurassic period & that the mass extinction of the dinosaurs was actually just a REALLY bad hangover that the dinosaurs couldn’t recovered from. Religious scholars state that the Pagan celebration of Spring was actually the first one & that the term “Sun God” is just the ancient phrase meaning AndyFest ©…but with the birth of modern science & theology, in recent times the idea is believed to have come from the mind of Porn Legend Kylie Ireland who thought it only appropriate that 2 such monumental events as the birth of the world’s greatest human & his union with the greatest pair of tits in the universe should simply consist of a week of celebration & joy… by which she meant unadulterated debauchery & rampant filth.
■Who Invented the term AndyFest ©?
Despite several mentions in various religious writings such as the Bible, the Koran & the first edition of the Ikea catalogue (who coincidentally mentioned a chest of draws called AnydFøst) it was actually Porn actress Amber Rayne who first coined the phrase AndyFest © during a conversation with Kylie Ireland back in 2010, the name was an instant success.
■What happens during AndyFest ©?
Basically anything, AndyFest © is a worldwide event that includes all things fun, so let your minds & bodies run wild… guilt or shame don’t apply during AndyFest © * *(certain restrictions may apply, see rules for details)
■Is there anything else I need to know about AndyFest ©?
Yes… and No! Whilst AndyFest © is open to one and all and there aren’t any rules of conduct during AndyFest © but please ensure you read the rules of conduct during AndyFest ©
And so there you have it, the complete history of Andyfest © in a nutshell… so without further ado (& in order to maximize your enjoyment of Andyfest ©) here are the rules of conduct for AndyFest © 2013 …enjoy your week, look after Mum, drive safely & don’t go changing.
THE RULES OF CONDUCT
1. Jack Daniels is your weapon of choice, your local Liquor store or nightclub/bar will give it to you for free during AndyFest © …if they don’t, please feel free to smash the place up.
2. FREE SEX FOR ALL. That’s right, no one can say no during AndyFest ©… so ensure you carry a supply of paper bags with you just in case you need them for… let’s just say ’unfortunate’ looking people.
3. If you get arrested during Andyfest © simply tell the police that you are celebrating AndyFest© ….not only will you get off scott free but the police are obliged to give you a lift home, a written letter of apology & a Kebab.
4. Men are NOT allowed to wear skinny Jeans during AndyFest ©. If you see someone breaking this rule, you are allowed to punch them in the face until your arm hurts, then the offending ‘girly boy’ must give you $10 (or property to the value of!) for every punch you landed.
5. You have to be nice* Being nice should be a staple diet of everyone’s daily routine, but during Andyfest © you simply have ignore Fucktards, after all they are missing out on this GREAT holiday & lot’s of free sex & booze… so fuck em. *(Oh, this doesn’t apply to rule 4 btw)
6. Yet another perk of AndyFest © is that you don’t have to go to work. If your boss argues with you or tells you there is no such holiday of AndyFest © simply use a drug like Chloroform (or similar) and place them in your trunk of your car for a week. Ensure you let them out before 11.59pm on the 17th to qualify for rule 3.
7. If you are French you have to wear a yellow T-shirt with the slogan ’Surrender Monkey’ on it OR ‘Horse Meat & Garlic please, it’s le nom nom’
8. Your Local Aston Martin/Ferrari & Porsche Dealer will lend you any car of your choice for the entire duration on AndyFest © If they think you have gone crazy, don’t worry just take one for a test drive & then keep it for 7 days & utilize rule 3 to your full advantage.
9. Bacon is free & even though the cheese sandwich is the official meal of Andyfest © please feel free to stock up for the year… cause there is no such thing as too much Bacon.
10. Be safe! AndyFest © can be a hazardous time, and seeing as you don’t wanna go crashing your Aston Martin, dropping your Bacon & cheese sandwich or catching any weird diseases, ensure you get your multi-purpose AndyFest © seatbelt/bib condom…. available now from all good retailers!
AND THAT’S it… please remember to tweet in your AndyFest © pics to www.twitter.com/theandyappleton.
The best one will get a retweet …probably, I dunno, I’m gonna be kneedeep in Jack Daniels/Bacon/cheese & huge tits so I might forget stuff … but eitherway have a great time.
PS: And don’t forget the official Hashtag for AndyFest2013 © “#MichaelWeinsteinIsaCunt”