I have a story for you, it’s a fun story, it’s a story of a guy called James Barret but for the purposes of this blog we shall call him ‘The Fucktard’ (which, as the story unfolds will become obvious why) ….anyway, read on, then point and laugh!
So, today I got a post on BombedoutLA.com from ‘The Fucktard’ which read:
i wish ” bombed out LA ‘ would stop the tweets i blocked you this has to stop before i report this to twitter thank you jb
Now this made me scratch my head for 2 reasons: 1. Who the fuck punctuated (or rather didn’t punctuate) this sentence? 2. Err… why should I stop tweeting? I don’t spam people, how is this guy reading my tweets if I’m blocked? …So, being the nice guy that I am I decided to send ‘The Fuckard’ a nice email to ensure that nothing was amiss or that someone wasn’t using the name of BombedoutLA for spamming purposes for some reason unbeknown to me… my email read:
Hi, What do you mean ‘stop the tweets’ …I am just tweeting, I don’t spam! If you blocked me how are you getting my tweets? I don’t get it… they only go to my followers… why would you be getting them? You can’t report someone for tweeting… that’s the point of twitter. Please explain if I am mis-reading your comment, I am not a spammer. Andy
Now forgive me if I’m wrong, this wasn’t a snotty reply… this was just a very confused me just trying to find out what was going on & what he meant by ‘stop tweeting’ and ‘before i report this’ …besides …report me for what? Punctuation? …Correct use of the English language? Also, what’s gonna be in his report? ‘Dear Twitter, some guy is tweeting… please shut down his account, I blocked him, I can still read them…ahhh… send the FBI!’ I mean, I could have been snotty with him, he gave me the ammunition but i though as he’s obviously a confused individual (or a bit ‘special’) I would get straight to the point and just ask what the fuck did he mean? …Imagine my shock (and continued amazement at ‘The Fucktard’ grammar roadshow) when he replied:
hello. how are you? first of all,i keep getting these tweets from you through your girlfriend,Kylie Ireland. you are a spammer. and a jerk. i’ve never heard one good thing about you from one good person. when i say i do not want anymore tweets i mean exactly that and do not want any emails either. you stop all this right now. i don’t like guys like you-you are just so egotistic. find something better to do with your time.
again,i do not want to hear anymore from you,not on twitters,or email or anything else. you got that? i don’t know why kylie would want to have a boyfriend with anyone like you anyways jb
Woooaahh their cowboy! What… the …FUCK!! Where do I hell do I start with this one?? (NOW do you see where ‘The Fuckard’ tag came from?) OK… so let’s coolly and calmly, analyze this reply:
- Hello, how are you? (me: not so bad, thanks… things are great, now what did you mean?)
- I get the tweets from your girlfriend Kylie Ireland (me: huh, girlfriend? what? we are married Buttmunch… hang on, you follow Kylie & don’t know she’s married… to me… how do you NOT know? Are you fucking mental? Do you only read selective tweets? Are you French? Why are you mad that she retweets me? …It’s a social network …people talk about their families on twitter …it’s a social thing to do, besides it’s OUR website and people also talk about their hobbies on there …because THAT’S social! … Do you understand that? Do you not have any friends you Fucktard? Do your Mum & Dad not let you out? Or are your carers keeping you in cage?)
- You are a spammer (me: How’s a retweet spam? …Huh? …Fucktard! Explain yourself …When people retweet it’s because they like stuff or agree with stuff… sometimes they do it because it’s about them… EG: a fucking website they might have… EG: bombedoutla bitch …WHICH IS FREE BY THE WAY …it has NO ADS! …it doesn’t sell anything! …it doesn’t make money! …do you get it? …are you paying attention? Are you sat in your own poo masturbating to the Sears catalogue?)
- And a Jerk (me: What… did he just call me a jerk? Where the fuck did that come from? Why am I a Jerk? cause I’m married to Kylie Ireland? Because you wanna be married to Kylie Ireland? Is this just jealously Fuckard? …c’mon, you can tell me …I’m not a hater …I understand, you’re lonely & girls don’t like you but don’t be mean …it’s ok, they do blowup versions now, save up or get one of your carers to lend you some money!)
- I’ve not heard one good thing about you from one good person (me: You know people? You have friends? …and I don’t count the voices in your head you fucking loon! …Hang on, does that mean you’ve heard good things about me from bad people? Do you mean ‘bad’ as in ‘Run DMC bad’ …which means Good? …so, was this your attempt at being gangsta? Seriously though, what fucking people do you know that know me? …errr, that would be fucking no-one YOU BIG FREAK! You just sit around talking to your action figures about me, don’t you? …it’s your my little pony that dislikes me isn’t it? …I am thinking this part is complete bollocks personally, I’m sure you don’t talk to anyone, you’re too busy following pornstars on twitter then getting upset (like a little girl) that they don’t know you exist & just taking your anger out on their partners, well I suppose that’s better than you opening fire on crowd of people just because you are mad at the world for dealing you such a shit hand!)
- I do not want any email either (me: I’m not surprized… that would mean you have to reply and that’s not working out well for you is it? ever heard of inflections, paragraphs… how about a capital letter every now and then, try it… you’ll be surprised how your fucktard’o’meter will lower!)
- I don’t like guys like you (me: what, straight? …do you like boys but your cage isn’t big enough for two? Does God frown on man love? or is it educated men you don’t like? …you know ones who can talk to women, entertain them, get to know their personality and be able to converse with them? …Or do you only like Fucktards?)
- You are just so egotistic (me: compared to you, fucktard i think i am allowed a little arrogance, (ps and it’s egotistical) besides most of my tweets are based on humour, they are cheeky comments about life with Kylie & how lucky I am, just because you have no sense of humour or because you can’t hold up a conversation with 3D people doesn’t make me egotistical …jealousy is an ugly emotion you fucktard …either get better treatment for your issues or start paying for some, you’ll feel better, trust me!)
- I don’t know why Kylie would want a boyfriend like you anyways (me: ANYWAYS!!! …who the fuck says anyways? Do you live in a trailer? Does your diet consist mainly of mayonnaise sandwiches? Are you married to your sister? I’ll tell you why Kylie wants a husband like me… cause I’m a not a Fucktard… that’s why …you fucktard!)
Well, I think this just about covers it!!! So after taking in this barrage of stupidity, this was my reply:
No problem… this is the last email you’ll get… but you’re gonna have to live with the tweets, me & Kylie don’t let narrow-minded jealous little individuals like you tell us what we can and cannot tweet, Kylie would also appreciate if you would stop following her if you don’t like it… tweets are not spam, we aren’t selling anything… get your facts straight, as for the jerk comment, ensure you repeat that to my face should we ever meet.
PS I’m Kylie’s Husband …not boyfriend you fuckin retard!
Then after reading the whole saga to Kylie SHE decided to email ‘The Fucktard’ …which read:
I don’t know what your problem is with my husband, Andy Appleton. He is NOT spamming ANYONE. Spamming is following people and tweeting them with links in attempt to get them to go to their website so that they can sell you something.
- You are not following the Twitter feeds for him or OUR blog on graffiti art to either of our knowledge. If you are I suggest you UNFOLLOW immediately. That would take care of the problem of you receiving unwanted tweets.
- Since you are not following either of those accounts then you must be, as you stated, seeing my retweets of his blog posts. That is my prerogative to retweet anything I wish through my twitter account. It is not spam and would not be considered spam by Twitter either. If you don’t like the fact that I retweet my own husband’s tweets or retweet the blog that I run with my husband featuring MY photography and something I am passionate about then the answer is easy there as well: STOP FOLLOWING ME. Neither one of us are going to stop tweeting or retweeting because YOU are annoyed by something I retweet. I would block you and solve the problem right now if I knew what your Twitter account was.
- Please stop emailing my husband with insults and threats. Neither he nor I take kindly to it and neither would Twitter since they have strict harassment policies.
- Should you decide to start emailing ME with insults and threats, have no doubt that I will take action for harassment via Twitter. And further, if need be.
- The answer to your problems is quite simple, James, go on Twitter and click the little button that says UNFOLLOW. End of story.
Thank you. Kylie Ireland
And there you have it… Andy 1 – Fucktard 0
So, better luck next time Fucktard, Bombed out LA continues to tweet, Kylie continues to retweet, James is now blocked but best of all he was right royally cursed out LIVE on the Jerkbox… the poor, poor, sad, little man. Oh well, hopefully he read this and see what a fucktard he is and tries to make a change but I doubt it… once a fucktard, always a fucktard!