Index

1. The Drive
2. Camp Stovepipe Wells
3. Pocket Stew
4. Airbed goes pfff…
5. 7am!
6. Cooking breakfast with fire
7. Mosaic Canyon & Sandunes
8. Steve & Guido steal Hersey bars
9. Sex in the desert
10. Steve & Guido get cornbread

Off We Go!

The Road

1.  We set off to death valley (late) but OMG!! what a drive… the most amazing roads, the most amazing views… it was fucking incredible, Oh… and I now know where the hubcap capital of the world is!

Hub Cap Capital of the World

2. The drive ended at Stove Pipe wells in Death valley… We unpacked, got our ‘tent on’ and took in the views.

Stovepipe Wells

3. So, on the first evening we had pocket stew… it didn’t go according to plan, sooo basically it was burgers, onions, carrots & something that used to be a potato! (sidenote: I also had smores for the first time, but I will cover that sensation later.)

Fireside

4. Being expert campers yet slightly posh, we decided to bring along an inflatable bed (which we discovered was actually an inflatable bondage bed… for some reason.) however it deflated whilst we slept, due to a hole (that we also discovered) in the base… so that’s the start of the hard ground camping for us then!

The Tent

5. After a few hours of the afore mentioned hard ground, we awoke & decided to grab the chance to catch an incredible sun rise… I haven’t woken up at 7am since I accidentally set fire to my bed in a drunken haze back in 1992! But it was amazing… a great way to start the day.

Sunrise

6. Ok, I have never been outside and had to start a fire, my boy scout experience as a boy involved peeling potatoes for old people & wearing a silly hat! Luckily Kylie is dab hand at lighting fires (which made me a bit nervous as first) as she has been starting them since she was a little girl… Phew (I thought) although to be honest my testostorone levels took a bit of a beating! Breakfast was fried potato, onions & scrabbled eggs (which i repeated every day!)

Breakfast is served

7. So we went to Mosaic Canyon on our first trip, it was awesome!!! Completley made of marble & carved out by water, thousands of years ago… they were incredible, just stunning! …And then we hit the sand dunes, all 14 square miles of em! The trek was hard and just got harder, by the time we had reached the furthest AND TALLEST dune, we realised that we had miles to trek back …in the scorching Sun on hot sand! Ouch!

Mosaic Canyon

Dunes

8. So when we got back, albeit a bit crispy from our Tatooine adventure we discovered that our food crate had been raped!!! By RAVENS!! …and what did they steal? HERSHEY BARS… Our God damn HERSHEY BARS!!! That meant 2 things: 1) No more Smores. 2) There were 2 hyped up on sugar Ravens terrorizing Death Valley! …who we actually discovered spying us (So we lovingly named them Steve & Guido!)

Steve & Guido

9. That night, believe it or not we found a shop! In that very shop was Hershey bars… yes! Smores was back on! Anyway, we grabbed a shower in a hotel that was down the road from our campsite & headed to tentsville. We then spent all night having sex… Go team Andy!

Under the stars

10. The next morning, we woke up to Steve & Guido searching for Hershey bars… so we fed them Cornbread!

Steve Vs. Cornbread

OK… thats part 1 done, part 2 coming soon!

Andy

Man, that was crazy…

Death Valley was awesome, I have started to write a blog ALL about it but it’s gonna take a while as we did so much… PLUS we have some production design stuff to do for Star Wars XXX!

So bare with me, I’ll be back soon, keep checking here every now & then… I will do it, promise!

Andy

Ok, so after fun & games with ‘blah blah blah’ (see previous post) we can now eventually set off to Death valley…

Be good while I’m gone, don’t go changin’ & finally, a big thanks to My friend Janice for house sitting & looking after the cats whilst I attempt to try & survive in the wilderness!

See ya!

Andy

Before we go to the desert, I thought I would post this email we have JUST gotten from Fucktard. I find the best way to read it is to do it all as it’s written …in one long sentence! So, take a deep breath …and …GO! 

hello.  remember  me ?   why  is  your  so –  called  husband   posting   garbage   about  me  on  his  ridiculois   blog   and  this  stupid   name  calling  o  twitter   what  is  his  problem   he  is  the  one  who  is  causing   the   trouble  not  me  !    this  needs  to  stop  right  now    enough   already  !   is  this   how  people  from  LA   act  ?    how  is  the  name  calling  helping  me  ?   and  that  stupid  follower   of  yours  ”   smiley   faces   ”    is  nothing  but  a  gutless   coward    and  ne eds   to  shut  –  up  !   and  mind  her   own  business  i’m  sick   of  this   we  are  not  in  high   school   w  e  are  all  adults  here   @  least  i  think  we  are  !   i’m  printing   the  ridiculous   e-  mail  you  sent  me  and  sending  it  to  twitter   there  needs  to  be  an    investigation   here   you  and  your  so –  called   husband    need  to    be   investigated   !    stop   all   of   this   right   now  !  jb

Now be honest, how many of you got through the whole thing without laughing? This response (and why is he responding? He wants us to stop and yet he continues!) is too stupid for a full analytical reply… But James if you are reading this, please understand I will not stop until you stop… get it? I do not want to keep posting these but I will until you GO AWAY…. you started this, not me…  All i am doing is showing the world what a fucktard you are, that’s it… it is YOU who is harassing US! So, put away your toys, wipe the dribble from your mouth and crawl back into your cage.

To clarify, by now you should have grasped the following points:

1. BombedoutLA is NOT going to stop tweeting.
2. Kylie is NOT going to stop retweeting.
3. You have to click UNFOLLOW.
4. You have to STOP sending emails.
5. You need to get a life.
6. Use punctuation when writing a letter.

Hopefully, this is the last we will hear from James & our lives can go back to normal, so wipe the tears from your face as ‘The Fucktard’ rides off into the distance on his trusty my little pony… bye-bye fucktard… bye-bye.

Andy

For those of you who read the last blog (and that’s alot of you!) please see the reply that ‘Fucktard’ has JUST sent to Kylie …As ever, I apologise (or is that feel sorry?) for his grammar & punctuation …let us not forget he’s a Fucktard!

hello.  how are you? listen.  regarding the threats and harassment why would i send you something that could be used in court?  second of all, your husband , andy appleton is the one with the problem not me.  more importantly the emails i send to your husband don’t threaten anyone.  more importantly i am not going to give you my twitter account.  there is no way you are getting that.  it is true that i did say some things to your husband but i never once threatened him.
twitter and yahoo are two different entities.it is even more ridiculous when your own husband has to live off your celebrity status and your finances.  i would like to suggest from now on, to protect your tweets.  any new followers would have to submit a request before they follow you.  that’s what i do.  course that is only a suggestion. end of story.  jb

I am not even gonna start on him, I would have to be blogging for an entire week to point out how much of this drivel is wrong …so instead, Here is Kylie’s reply to him:

James,

We are both trying to point out the simple fact that you are mistaken. That you don’t understand the way Twitter works and that no amount of your complaining to Andy in emails is going to stop you from seeing MY RETWEETS of his tweets.

 I didn’t ask for your TWITTER ACCOUNT information. I wanted to know what your Twitter NAME was (as in “@kylieireland”….you are @_____) therefore I could block you and then you would not receive any of the retweets or tweets of ANY kind from ANY of our accounts. This IS what you want right? To NOT receive any tweets or retweets informing you of anything to do with Andy or BombedoutLA… I am trying to help you. I am trying to solve your problem.

 You wrote: “regarding the threats and harassment why would i send you something that could be used in court?”  – who said anything about court? I stated that your emails to Andy and your insults are considered HARASSMENT and that we will report this to Twitter if need be. If you persist in harassing us I am well within my rights to report your emails and harassment to proper authorities.

 You wrote: “ twitter and yahoo are two different entities”  -I don’t even know why this is relevant. Unless you are saying that because you are emailing him on Yahoo that protects you in some way. Your ISSUE is with tweets, your emails are about tweets. Where you are emailing from has nothing to do with anything.

I don’t know WHAT your issue is with my husband. He has never done, said, sent or twittered ANYTHING to you. 

As far as my life with my husband, THAT is none of your business and I don’t appreciate your insulting him to me. You know NOTHING of our life and your assumptions of what you believe our life to be is irrelevant. Furthermore, what our relationship is or is not has NOTHING to do with ANY of the tweets/retweets you seem to find so offensive. Our relationship has nothing to do with your complaint.

Why should I protect my tweets??? ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GO AND CLICK THE UNFOLLOW BUTTON AND YOUR PROBLEM IS SOLVED. Why is this so hard for you to understand? Both of us have told you this. If you don’t want to receive tweets from either of us then go to my page when you are signed in and click UNFOLLOW. This is not rocket science. YOU have to do this. YOU started FOLLOWING ME. I don’t follow you. So please stop wasting our time with your idiotic emails, rants and insults when all you have to do is CLICK UNFOLLOW. You clearly do not understand the way Twitter works.

I can only assume since you refuse to tell me your Twitter name that you are the same ‘James’ that calls in to my radio show. For whatever reason, you seem to enjoy trying to get me riled up. If that’s what makes your pathetic little cock hard, then knock yourself out.

Whether you are the same ‘James’ or not is not important. The bottom line is we have tried to help you solve your problem. I have told you the procedure to make the tweets stop but you are either too stupid to do this, too moronic to understand, completely psychotic or all three.

You can email your bullshit as much as you want. We are not at fault here are doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong. Neither one of us will be returning any emails from here on out. In fact we have both blocked your email address so any further emails will go directly into junk mail and be deleted. We won’t even see them.

Leave us alone. Go away. Kindly fuck off.

Kylie Ireland

I have a story for you, it’s a fun story, it’s a story of a guy called James Barret but for the purposes of this blog we shall call him ‘The Fucktard’ (which, as the story unfolds will become obvious why) ….anyway, read on, then point and laugh!

So, today I got a post on BombedoutLA.com from ‘The Fucktard’ which read:

i  wish  ”  bombed  out  LA ‘  would  stop  the  tweets  i  blocked  you  this  has  to  stop   before  i  report  this  to  twitter   thank  you   jb

Now this made me scratch my head for 2 reasons: 1. Who the fuck punctuated (or rather didn’t punctuate) this sentence? 2.  Err… why should I stop tweeting? I don’t spam people, how is this guy reading my tweets if I’m blocked? …So, being the nice guy that I am I decided to send ‘The Fuckard’ a nice email to ensure that nothing was amiss or that someone wasn’t using the name of BombedoutLA for spamming purposes for some reason unbeknown to me… my email read:

Hi, What do you mean ‘stop the tweets’ …I am just tweeting, I don’t spam!  If you blocked me how are you getting my tweets? I don’t get it… they only go to my followers… why would you be getting them? You can’t report someone for tweeting… that’s the point of twitter. Please explain if I am mis-reading your comment, I am not a spammer. Andy

Now forgive me if I’m wrong, this wasn’t a snotty reply… this was just a very confused me just trying to find out what was going on & what he meant by ‘stop tweeting’ and ‘before i report this’ …besides …report me for what? Punctuation? …Correct use of the English language? Also, what’s gonna be in his report? ‘Dear Twitter, some guy is tweeting… please shut down his account, I blocked him, I can still read them…ahhh… send the FBI!’ I mean, I could have been snotty with him, he gave me the ammunition but i though as he’s obviously a confused individual (or a bit ‘special’) I would get straight to the point and just ask what the fuck did he mean? …Imagine my shock (and continued amazement at ‘The Fucktard’ grammar roadshow) when he replied:

hello.  how are you?  first of all,i keep getting these tweets from you through your girlfriend,Kylie Ireland.  you are a spammer.  and a jerk.  i’ve never heard one good thing about you from one good person.  when i say i do not want anymore tweets i mean exactly that and do not want any emails either.  you stop all this right now.  i don’t like guys like you-you are just so egotistic.  find something better to do with your time.

again,i do not want to hear anymore from you,not on twitters,or email or anything else.  you got that?  i don’t know why kylie would want to have a boyfriend with anyone like you anyways jb

Woooaahh their cowboy! What… the …FUCK!! Where do I hell do I start with this one?? (NOW do you see where ‘The Fuckard’ tag came from?) OK… so let’s coolly and calmly, analyze this reply:

• Hello, how are you? (me: not so bad, thanks… things are great, now what did you mean?)
• I get the tweets from your girlfriend Kylie Ireland (me: huh, girlfriend? what? we are married Buttmunch… hang on, you follow Kylie & don’t know she’s married… to me… how do you NOT know? Are you fucking mental? Do you only read selective tweets? Are you French? Why are you mad that she retweets me? …It’s a social network …people talk about their families on twitter …it’s a social thing to do, besides it’s OUR website and people also talk about their hobbies on there …because THAT’S social! … Do you understand that? Do you not have any friends you Fucktard? Do your Mum & Dad not let you out? Or are your carers keeping you in cage?)
• You are a spammer (me: How’s a retweet spam? …Huh? …Fucktard! Explain yourself …When people retweet it’s because they like stuff or agree with stuff… sometimes they do it because it’s about them… EG: a fucking website they might have… EG: bombedoutla bitch …WHICH IS FREE BY THE WAY …it has NO ADS! …it doesn’t sell anything!  …it doesn’t make money! …do you get it? …are you paying attention? Are you sat in your own poo masturbating to the Sears catalogue?)
• And a Jerk (me: What… did he just call me a jerk? Where the fuck did that come from? Why am I a Jerk? cause I’m married to Kylie Ireland? Because you wanna be married to Kylie Ireland? Is this just jealously Fuckard? …c’mon, you can tell me …I’m not a hater …I understand, you’re lonely & girls don’t like you but don’t be mean …it’s ok, they do blowup versions now, save up or get one of your carers to lend you some money!)
• I’ve not heard one good thing about you from one good person (me: You know people? You have friends? …and I don’t count the voices in your head you fucking loon! …Hang on, does that mean you’ve heard good things about me from bad people? Do you mean ‘bad’ as in ‘Run DMC bad’ …which means Good? …so, was this your attempt at being gangsta? Seriously though, what fucking people do you know that know me? …errr, that would be fucking no-one YOU BIG FREAK! You just sit around talking to your action figures about me, don’t you? …it’s  your my little pony that dislikes me isn’t it? …I am thinking this part is complete bollocks personally, I’m sure you don’t talk to anyone, you’re too busy following pornstars on twitter then getting upset (like a little girl) that they don’t know you exist & just taking your anger out on their partners, well I suppose that’s better than you opening fire on crowd of people just because you are mad at the world for dealing you such a shit hand!)
• I do not want any email either (me: I’m not surprized… that would mean you have to reply and that’s not working out well for you is it? ever heard of inflections, paragraphs… how about a capital letter every now and then, try it… you’ll be surprised how your fucktard’o’meter will lower!)
• I don’t like guys like you (me: what, straight? …do you like boys but your cage isn’t big enough for two? Does God frown on man love? or is it educated men you don’t like? …you know ones who can talk to women, entertain them, get to know their personality and be able to converse with them? …Or do you only like Fucktards?)
• You are just so egotistic (me: compared to you, fucktard i think i am allowed a little arrogance, (ps and it’s egotistical) besides most of my tweets are based on humour, they are cheeky comments about life with Kylie & how lucky I am, just because you have no sense of humour or because you can’t hold up a conversation with 3D people doesn’t make me egotistical …jealousy is an ugly emotion you fucktard …either get better treatment for your issues or start paying for some, you’ll feel better, trust me!)
• I don’t know why Kylie would want a boyfriend like you anyways (me: ANYWAYS!!! …who the fuck says anyways? Do you live in a trailer? Does your diet consist mainly of mayonnaise sandwiches? Are you married to your sister? I’ll tell you why Kylie wants a husband like me… cause I’m a not a Fucktard… that’s why …you fucktard!)

Well, I think this just about covers it!!! So after taking in this barrage of stupidity, this was my reply:

Then after reading the whole saga to Kylie SHE decided to email ‘The Fucktard’ …which read:

Dear James,

I don’t know what your problem is with my husband, Andy Appleton. He is NOT spamming ANYONE. Spamming is following people and tweeting them with links in attempt to get them to go to their website so that they can sell you something.

1. You are not following the Twitter feeds for him or OUR blog on graffiti art to either of our knowledge. If you are I suggest you UNFOLLOW immediately. That would take care of the problem of you receiving unwanted tweets.
2. Since you are not following either of those accounts then you must be, as you stated, seeing my retweets of his blog posts. That is my prerogative to retweet anything I wish through my twitter account. It is not spam and would not be considered spam by Twitter either. If you don’t like the fact that I retweet my own husband’s tweets or retweet the blog that I run with my husband featuring MY photography and something I am passionate about then the answer is easy there as well: STOP FOLLOWING ME. Neither one of us are going to stop tweeting or retweeting because YOU are annoyed by something I retweet. I would block you and solve the problem right now if I knew what your Twitter account was.
3. Please stop emailing my husband with insults and threats. Neither he nor I take kindly to it and neither would Twitter since they have strict harassment policies.
4. Should you decide to start emailing ME with insults and threats, have no doubt that I will take action for harassment via Twitter. And further, if need be.
5. The answer to your problems is quite simple, James, go on Twitter and click the little button that says UNFOLLOW. End of story.

 Thank you. Kylie Ireland

 And there you have it… Andy 1 – Fucktard 0

So, better luck next time Fucktard, Bombed out LA continues to tweet, Kylie continues to retweet, James is now blocked but best of all he was right royally cursed out LIVE on the Jerkbox… the poor, poor, sad, little man. Oh well, hopefully he read this and see what a fucktard he is and tries to make a change but I doubt it… once a fucktard, always a fucktard!

Andy

Ok, so this time we are DEFINATLEY going to the desert… the adventure kicks off on Monday!

Meanwhile, we zipped round Melrose today for www.bombedoutla.com and grabbed some pics, we also updated kylie’s website (part of a revamp that has been dragging on for ages) which include her NEW blog PLUS other bits and pieces which is rolling out over the next few weeks, you should check it out at: www.kylieireland.com …it’s in the visitors section under ‘blog me’

Apart from that we have also been acting all ‘artsy’ and even made (and framed) a couple of graffiti stencils & pastes for our guerilla art project (also coming soon) … anyway, tomorrow Kylie is filming for a documentary about rape fantasies, so it’s an early night for us (he said at 1am!) as ever, pictures of the last few days are below.

Andy

The story so far….

Seeing as Superhero porn got moved to mid March, me & Kylie got all packed and ready and were about to head off to the desert on our camping extravanganza… when suddenly Banksy rumours appeared on the web & after careful investigation by Inspector Ireland she discovered that it was true!!!

With this in mind (and because his last pieces were destroyed within hours) it was decided to also move the date of our trip (to next week, not mid Match)… So, if you wanna find out more or you wanna see what pictures (like below) we took, then check out www.bombedoutLA.com

In other news, after I have done this blog I shall be attaching Kylie to a wall & covering her in my own home grown style of graffiti!

Andy

So we are currently planning a camping trip to the desert… yes… the desert!

We have been talking about it for months and are now in the final stages of our desert camping trip extravaganza, I have the tent, I have the pots & pans… I even have wood! (I changed that entire sentence from ‘we’ to ‘I’ just for that punchline) 

Anyway, today we are going out to grab a few extra suplies like err… food plus other things we will need to ensure out survival in Death valley… then on Tuesday (as we have superhero porn on Monday) we set off!

So, stay tuned for all the sunstroke, food poisoning &  snakebite action…. coming soon!

Andy

PS They have WiFi in the desert right?

Ok, I’m not going to tell the same story twice… so If you wanna see what today was all about then check out:

www.bombedoutLA.wordpress.com …the whole story is on there, bottom line is, me & Kylie found Banksy!

However, here are pics we took as we were on our Banksy treasure hunt!

Andy